Finding the Way

I'm feeling more like myself after the roller coaster of a couple of days ago.  My uncle is stable after 18 hours of surgery.  The road ahead will be hard, and the immediate worry is infection.  For now, it's good.  One day at a time; one step at a time. My thoughts are still with my family, but I can focus now.  Yesterday,  I was just there, floating through the day, aware of time passing, things going on, but only feeling loosely connected.  Today, the world was real again.  The pressure of a pup against my leg, the reassuring sound of my husband snoring next to me in the night, the smell of lavender, reading, warm chocolate cookies with chocolate ganache (yes, my husband is awesome & Pillsbury is pretty darn impressive these days), these are things that helped ground me, stop me from floating away on a sea of anxious emotions yesterday.  Onward we go, finding the path to sanity, to that place we call normalcy!

Heartstrings Pulled

I learned a few hours ago of the passing of a friend's mother, and my heart just hurts.  My friend and I lost touch through the years after our gaming group ended and our lives moved in different directions, but I've peripherally been aware of his life through a mutual friend (who has been friends with the guy since elementary school and views the woman who passed as a second mother).  I've only met my friend's mother once, years ago, but my heart hurts for him.  I knew this was coming, and  I've been wanting to reach out to him so I actually hunted down his address online today so I could send him a card to let him know I'm thinking of him.  The plan was to pick it up at lunch tomorrow.  After learning of his mother's passing, I did something that is out of character for me, but I wanted to do something to let the family know my thoughts are with them.  My friend doesn't have a Facebook page anymore, but his father does and is friends with our mutual friend . So I sent the father (who I've only met once) a message on Facebook with my condolences. I don't know if he'll even read it since it is from a stranger, but I hope he does. 

While I was eating dinner this evening, my mother called with news about my uncle.  He was scheduled for surgery today after a recurrence of cancer.  Long story short, things look a lot worse than they first thought, and my parents are making a journey tonight to be with my aunt.  My heart wrenched again for my uncle, my aunt, my cousins.  I started the day thinking of loved ones who had passed and recalling the importance of family in my life.  Seems like that happened for a reason.  My heart aches for the people I care about (and Hell, yes, I do still care about the friend I haven't seen in a while!), and I feel powerless to help. My brain is telling me I need to do something, but other than letting them know I'm here and sending love and prayers, this is beyond my control, and I HATE it! I want to just hug everyone and tell them things will be better, but I don't have the power to make it better. 

I'm going to take a few moments tonight to reflect on my loved ones and the joy they bring to my life.  I'll say a prayer for my friend, his family, my uncle, my cousins, my aunt.  Then I'll retire to my blanket fort with my dogs and cry for a bit (and yes, I know it sounds a little melodramatic, but it's how I feel right now!).  I'll hug my dogs, hold my husband tight, and fill the universe with loving, warm thoughts.  And tomorrow, I'll face the world again.

Catching Up

In that last post, written in a nostalgic haze, I neglected to mention other things in life.  I had my gallbladder out in September and was hospitalized for 5 days because of a leaking bile duct.  Indescribable pain relieved only by Morphine until a stent was put in to seal the leak.  I've never been hospitalized before so I was sort freaked out.  My husband was beyond supportive.  I truly am lucky to have him in my life.  My recovery was also greatly assisted by canine nurses, Bella and Batley, who are experts at pinning me to the couch.

Last year, at some point, I realized I just didn't feel as happy as I used to, and believe it or not, I figured out the reason was that I was not reading.  I've been a reader my whole life, and I just stopped making time for it.  Between work, friends, television, and the daily grind of life, I just wasn't reading much.  I decided to make it a point to do some reading at least two or three days a week, even if it was just a chapter at lunch, and my mind started to feel better.  I wasn't as wound up, and I was resting better.  Reading is indeed fundamental for me to be happy.  My biggest reading challenge was the Song of Ice & Fire series, which I finished last week.  A huge undertaking, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and join so many others in wishing George R.R. Martin would write faster.

I watched my best friend's daughter graduate high school and go off to college.  That bright eyed, inquisitive little girl became a woman before my eyes.  A woman I'm glad to know and call my friend.  She has become a beautiful, strong young woman who is confident in herself and knows what she wants in life.  She is intelligent, curious, and creative, and I adore her (plus, I introduced her to Doctor Who. Yay!)  I finally got her mom to recognize the eye stopping, jaw dropping wonder that is Nathan Fillion.  Weirdly enough, she watched Castle first then FINALLY watched Firefly after years of me raving about it.  

Oh yeah, Doctor Who.  David Tennant will always be MY Doctor.  Not just because he makes my heart skip a beat because I love all that he brought to the character.  Matt Smith grew on me, but I'm still riding the fence about Peter Capaldi  (I haven't watched the final 2 episodes of the current series -- I just finished "In the Forest of the Night.").  I like what Capaldi brings to the role, and the darkness of this Doctor is something interesting.  What I don't like is Clara, I think.  Shoehorning her into every aspect of The Doctor's life (Impossible Girl I can live with, hiding under the bed & grabbing his foot as a child, not so much) is bothering me.  Her near rejection of  the new face, her lying to Danny, her all over the place mood.  There's so much about her that bothers me now, I'll be happy to see her go.  It feels like the creative team is trying too hard to make her important, and she just makes it hard for me to enjoy the show.  I thought Amy would always be the modern companion that most annoyed me, but Clara has taken a solid lead.

Also on the Doctor Who front, I decided to start at the very beginning (a very good place to start) with William Hartnell and watch the show in its entirety.  I'm about halfway through Jon Pertwee now.  Hartnell's crabby, crochety, grandfatherly Doctor was a joy to watch, and I found Patrick Troughton's childlike wonder and deceptiveness entertaining, and unlike my husband, I liked the recorder!  I loved Jamie as a companion!  I like the stories with Jon Pertwee, but his attitude towards Jo gets under my feminist skin.  I realize it is a product of its time, but sometimes I find myself just getting mad at The Doctor.   My husband is itching for me to get to Tom Baker (HIS Doctor!), but I sort of fell out of watching with the whole gallbladder thing.  Maybe I'll find time to watch the DVD downstairs today & sent it back to Netflix (Why isn't all of Doctor Who streaming?!)

Just a brief bit on the other shows I've become enchanted with (in the order my brain thinks of them): NCIS, NCIS: New Orleans, Bones, Sleepy Hollow, Castle (of course), Once Upon a Time (think the Fables comic on television), Gotham (several episodes behind on this one), How to Get Away with Murder (way behind on it), The Chew (Michael Symon & Mario Batali? Yes, please!) and anything Alton Brown touches. I've developed something of an addiction to Alton Brown.  We've seen his live show twice this year, and it was amazing both times.  I love watching Food Network but still am not in love with cooking.  (Note:Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is awesome, but I'm still in Season 1 because Hubby made us stop until he saw Thor 2 (which took forever)  and now he doesn't want me to watch without him but he keeps finding other things to watcth!)

Because of The Chew and Food Network, my food horizons have expanded a bit.  I now like cabbage.  I've learned that many of the vegetables I hated growing up had nothing to do with the taste.  I'm a textural eater, and if the food is mushy,  my taste buds reject it.  The majority of the vegetables I ate during my childhood were cooked in the fine Southern tradition of being cooked down to mush, and I don't like mush.  Cabbage, spinach (in the raw form or in a dip/casserole), and broccoli are back on my menu now as long as they are cooked well.  My husband has removed his ban on salt (Thank you, Alton Brown and Michael Symon!), and we're cooking at home more, which has been fun!

Lastly, there is football.  What can I say about this season?  As a Gamecock and Bears fan, it has not been the greatest of seasons.  The Gamecocks are struggling on defense and cannot seem to keep it going for four quarters.  Up by 14 points in three games only to blow the lead in the fourth!!!  And the Bears?  Travesty is the only word that comes to mind.  For the life of me, I don't understand why Cutler is still the QB!!  And can we get Lovie back, please?  I'm a Gamecock for life.  I love my team (I bleed Garnet & Black, Forever to Thee, Sandstormin' in the Cockpit, and all that jazz!) , and a bad season won't change that, but winning the last few games of the season would go a long way towards bolstering my Gamecock Pride!

I guess that's all the randomness in my brain for now.  I can't promise that I'll be more consistent in blogging, but I'll try. 

The Blog that Time Forgot

The fact that I created a blog nested somewhere in the back of my mind and became overgrown with the twisted vines of real life until a friend mentioning their blog reminded me of my sad, neglected internet space.  The truth of it is that I haven't felt much like writing lately, though I had no idea it had been four years since I last graced this page with my thoughts.  Things have changed, yet they remain the same.   I'm a happier me, I think.  I'm fortunate to be surrounded by people I love and who love me in return.  I'm still prone to rambling, nonsensical conversations.  I still squeal with delight over tiny cute things.

My thoughts seem to be focused on the past today, recalling fond memories of family times and feeling nostalgic for those who are no longer with me.  I don't know if visiting with a cousin briefly yesterday triggered this or recalling fondly my cousin in Arizona because today is Veterans' Day.  I grew up surrounded by family, a huge family, and we don't spend time together like we used to.  I think that's what my heart is longing for today, a big ol' family gathering.  I don't often express it, but family is important to me.  Those connections ground us, help us understand who we are, where we come from, and give us a shelter in this storm of life.  Since I last posted, I've lost a cousin to cancer and my grandmother passed away at 93.  I feel connected to them and to the family who have passed before as I write this.  I know it sounds crazy, but I feel them near me today, not in a spooky, creepy, ghosty way, but in warm, enveloping way.  Memories of good times with family keep flooding my brain, and while it brings a tear to the eye, it is still a good thing.

My family shaped me, raising me with love and a gentle spirit, showing me that character, treating others with kindness, keeping your word, and being there for each other were things that mattered.  Though I may not talk to my family every day, I know they are there for me and that I am there for them.  One of things my husband found strange about my family is that conversations seem to pick up after not seeing other for months, or even years.  He commented that it was like no time had passed since we last saw each other. There is a unity, a oneness, that connects us despite the ravages of time and distance, and I feel fortunate that we have that.