Reflections on 2021

 2021 has been a lot.  For the first 3.5 months of the year, I worked from home.  We returned to the office and started to provide services in person in July.  There have been adjustments, accomodations, and lots of anxieties.  Vaccinations, boosters, and now Omicron is raging.  Our world has changed, and I can't pretend that things are normal.  I worry about getting sick.  I worry about sickening others.  My heart hurts at all of the anguish, grief, and loss this virus has wrought.  Seeing how we as a society have responded to this is heartbreaking, the anger, the divisiveness, the mockery of compassion and concern for others.  I am trying to be understanding, to be loving, and to meet people where they are.  It isn't easy, and it is a work in progress.  

2021 brought good.  I discovered an immense joy in cooking with my husband.  We have explored new cuisines, new recipes, and found a sliver of happiness in sharing the time cooking and the meals.  My llama crew has brought joy, love, and an immense amount of support into my life.  My parents are healthy.  My pets are generally well (grumpy 20 year old cat included).  I have stayed close to many of my friends.  There were precious moments in the tearoom, now shuttered for renovations.  I read a lot and discovered new authors.  Podcasts kept my brain focused.  Self-care and mindfulness were my guideposts.  My husband was my rock, my encourager, and my balance when I went adrift. Long phone calls with a dear friend helped me stay on course and provided a space to vent.  Virtual playdates, virtual book club.  It all helped.  Exploring new cocktails.  Enjoying so much Food Network with the husband.  QQ!!!  Many thanks to Alton & Elizabeth for those moments of shared relief from the world.  Scabigail makes my heart happy. I wrote a few poems (not many) and am pondering sharing them here. Let me know if anyone is interested.

There has been pain with the passing of a dear friend from cancer.  It still doesn't feel real at times.  I am so grateful for the gift of his friendship in my life.  His impact runs deep in my soul.  My heart hurt with the ending of the relationship of two dear friends, and I'm still coping with a rift in a family dear to me.  I miss Saturdays at the game store, but it genuinely doesn't feel safe, especially now. 

 I love the people in my life intensely, and I am thankful for the love, support, and presence.  I wish happiness, love, and peace to you all.  I will close with a quote from one of my favorite authors, Neil Gaiman.  A dear friend shares the quote every year, and it resonates with my soul. 

Finding the Way

I'm feeling more like myself after the roller coaster of a couple of days ago.  My uncle is stable after 18 hours of surgery.  The road ahead will be hard, and the immediate worry is infection.  For now, it's good.  One day at a time; one step at a time. My thoughts are still with my family, but I can focus now.  Yesterday,  I was just there, floating through the day, aware of time passing, things going on, but only feeling loosely connected.  Today, the world was real again.  The pressure of a pup against my leg, the reassuring sound of my husband snoring next to me in the night, the smell of lavender, reading, warm chocolate cookies with chocolate ganache (yes, my husband is awesome & Pillsbury is pretty darn impressive these days), these are things that helped ground me, stop me from floating away on a sea of anxious emotions yesterday.  Onward we go, finding the path to sanity, to that place we call normalcy!

Heartstrings Pulled

I learned a few hours ago of the passing of a friend's mother, and my heart just hurts.  My friend and I lost touch through the years after our gaming group ended and our lives moved in different directions, but I've peripherally been aware of his life through a mutual friend (who has been friends with the guy since elementary school and views the woman who passed as a second mother).  I've only met my friend's mother once, years ago, but my heart hurts for him.  I knew this was coming, and  I've been wanting to reach out to him so I actually hunted down his address online today so I could send him a card to let him know I'm thinking of him.  The plan was to pick it up at lunch tomorrow.  After learning of his mother's passing, I did something that is out of character for me, but I wanted to do something to let the family know my thoughts are with them.  My friend doesn't have a Facebook page anymore, but his father does and is friends with our mutual friend . So I sent the father (who I've only met once) a message on Facebook with my condolences. I don't know if he'll even read it since it is from a stranger, but I hope he does. 

While I was eating dinner this evening, my mother called with news about my uncle.  He was scheduled for surgery today after a recurrence of cancer.  Long story short, things look a lot worse than they first thought, and my parents are making a journey tonight to be with my aunt.  My heart wrenched again for my uncle, my aunt, my cousins.  I started the day thinking of loved ones who had passed and recalling the importance of family in my life.  Seems like that happened for a reason.  My heart aches for the people I care about (and Hell, yes, I do still care about the friend I haven't seen in a while!), and I feel powerless to help. My brain is telling me I need to do something, but other than letting them know I'm here and sending love and prayers, this is beyond my control, and I HATE it! I want to just hug everyone and tell them things will be better, but I don't have the power to make it better. 

I'm going to take a few moments tonight to reflect on my loved ones and the joy they bring to my life.  I'll say a prayer for my friend, his family, my uncle, my cousins, my aunt.  Then I'll retire to my blanket fort with my dogs and cry for a bit (and yes, I know it sounds a little melodramatic, but it's how I feel right now!).  I'll hug my dogs, hold my husband tight, and fill the universe with loving, warm thoughts.  And tomorrow, I'll face the world again.